Your Mouth is Not a Pocket

Where in the world are we?

Well we've left Nome.

We've left Maui.

But we're not at home in Atlanta.

No, we're back in the greater (and I use the term "greater" loosely) Portland area.

I really, really like Portland - after all what's not to like about a city that is home to Powell's Books (Think four stories of literary goodness)?

I do NOT, however, like Vancouver, WA.

Vancouver, WA is to Portland, OR what leprosy is to an intelligent beauty queen.

It detracts from the overall greatness.

Without the parasite of Vancouver, WA sucking the life out of it, Portland would be among the top cities in the world. With the greasy, grimy meth-heads of Vancouver defiling the greatness of Portland, Portland becomes that house you'd buy if you could just ignore the neighbour's dirty lawn fridge, cars on blocks and loud obnoxious parties.

I detest Vancouver.

A deep, almost primitive, hatred of the city of my wife's youth fills my very being. My soul cries when I enter Vancouver and rejoices with my departure.

I'd rather live in that God forsaken, rat trap of a so called city known as Bucuresti than Vancouver, Washington.

As you know we'll be moving from Atlanta as soon as absolutely possible and will, of course, probably end up in Vancouver.

Meh. As they say, in the instructions to that very silly game I am forced to play every freaking Christmas, "thems the berries".

We got into Portland yesterday morning after taking the red eye from Maui. Swell's Dad was kind enough to pick us up from the airport and drive us from the good side of the Colombia river to the wrong side and down past the stink that is Camas to the isolation that is Washougal, WA.

Let me tell you a thing or two about Washougal.

When Swell's folks first took us out to their new homestead the foundation for their home hadn't even been poured.

It was a desolate land.

Filled to the brim with deer and frogs.

Now five years later?

It is an overdeveloped wasteland that seems to be the epicenter for all that was wrong with mortgage lenders over the past few years.

Empty lots unable to be sold.

Homes that were built and purchased? Back up for sale.

More for sale than lived in.

The across the street neighbours from Swell's folks just up and left one day.

Bank notices are plastered on their front door.

They say something along the lines of "Ummmm.... would you pretty please drop by the bank to make arrangements to pay your missed mortgage payments. We fully realize that we shouldn't have qualified you for this overpriced home but we did and we'd really like our money."

The owners response?

Well like I said they left and took everything with them.

We wandered around Washoughal yesterday looking at all, the many, many, homes for sale.

1) Ugly
2) IN WASHOUGAL!!!
3) Poorly constructed.
4) Ugly and in Washougal.

Sorry folks-in-law not a chance.

Now that I've said all these bad things about Washougal let me assure you that Swell's parents have a very, very nice home.

With a great view.

And it suits them.

But not me.

But it is better than Vancouver.

Because its not Vancouver.

We have problems.

Big, big potentially life changing problems.

(Yes that means its new problems not my very many old problems - like living with the trauma of getting a pink bracelet when I was born, or having a grandmother who thought I was retarded for much of my childhood, or having to go to skating lessons rather than bowling lessons as an impressionable young lad.)

What problems could such fortunate people such as ourselves have?

How about we were told that we should return to Nome on April 14th?

How is that a problem?

Well we were told that before we left Nome. We were also told that we would know for how long we would return to Nome before our departure.

We were not told the length of our second trip prior to our departure.

That was over 3 weeks ago.

Since then we have heard nothing.

Zero.

Nada.

Not a thing.

At least the person we've been contracted through has finally been paid meaning we can finally get paid (as of yesterday).

Ummm... if we're supposed to go back in two weeks it would be very nice to:
A) Have a ticket
2) Know for how long we're staying and
iii) If this will be our last trip.

How is this life altering?

1) We don't have enough money to survive more than a couple of months (especially since April 15 is fast approaching and we have to write two five figure cheques)
2) We need to be able to buy our tickets to Romania this summer but don't know when we can leave making scheduling somewhat difficult.

Bastards.

In case anyone who has decision making power for our return is reading this - we are looking forward to coming back and working very, very hard. Please bring us back. I'll be nice. I'll even smile once in awhile. I'll try hard not to bite anyone again. And you get Swell if we come back. How is that not an incentive to hurry up and finalize things?

So Swell has finally clued in that I have An annoying habit. I hold things in my mouth. Driving through a toll booth or state park if I give someone money and they give me paper change I put it in my mouth and continue driving. Give me a pen - I'll hold it in my mouth. Give me a piece of paper and I need my hands, I'll use my mouth to carry the paper.

She has come up with a new slogan for me.

When she sees me do this she thinks its important and appropriate to shout: "YOUR MOUTH IS NOT A POCKET!"

Lame.

I fully intend to do a Maui post that is about how nice and fun it was rather than how nice and depressing it was.

I'll do it. Soon.

When I download my pictures.

One thing that needs to be told about Maui is that we learned a great lesson. When someone is nice and lets you stay with them, and plans things and gives you surprises and is very kind and fun to be around - DON'T TRUST THEM!

They are just doing it to take something that belongs to you.

G did the above things. She gave us a bed. She let us take over her home. She planned nice outings and surprises. She showed us all the cool things in Maui we wouldn't have done otherwise (1/2 price sushi, lavender farm, winery, swinging bridge and red-rocks-in-your-sandals hikes). She didn't even yell when Swell left the sugar out which bred millions of tiny little ants in her kitchen.

Why did she do and not do these things?

Solely to steal something.

Let it be known from this day forward that G in Maui is a thief.

Furthermore let it be known that we will not stand for this thievery.

We ask all of you to stand in solidarity with us while we fight for the return of who is rightfully ours. Do not talk, email, facebook, myspace or otherwise communicate with G until she renounces her evil and returns our property. If you are not with us you are against us and will face a similar, as yet to be determined, fate as G.

WE DEMAND THE RETURN OF THE HOSTAGE KNOWN AS SHEEPIE.



Return her safely or suffer our wrath G.


We know where Sticky lives.



We love you Sheepie we will not rest until your return.